Jan Haldane - Are Your Kids Ruining Your Relationship?

According to a 20 year British study, the people who are happiest with their marriages have been married five years or less, don’t have children and are university educated. In addition to this the man is employed. With the birth of the first child, 33% of couples felt as satisfied (or more satisfied) than before, while a huge 67% experienced a sharp drop in marital satisfaction. Married couples are unhappiest when their children are in preschool and their happiness levels only increase again when the youngest child becomes an adult.

This research is backed up by a study done by John and Julie Gottman of Seattle. These well-known marital researchers conducted a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples. John said, “The data shocked us.” Two-thirds of the new parents self-reported that they were “very unhappy after the birth of their first child.”

So what’s happened in the 21st century? Married couples have always had children, but their expectations of marriage and parenting were different. Back in the day, kids were routinely sent to play outside and often were gone all day. Nowadays, they seldom leave the house unless accompanied by parents. Also, since the 1970s there has been an expectation that sex is pleasurable for both partners rather than the woman ‘doing her duty’ when required. It’s hugely distressing to a man when his partner loses her sex drive due to normal hormonal influences, and the overwhelming tiredness of new motherhood. Men used to a keen sexual partner feel undesired and unloved. Julie Gottman says, “Something inside them just breaks.” Oxytocin causes a dramatic switch in women’s attention from her partner to her baby. While normal, it’s detrimental to intimacy between the partners.

What’s good for reproductive success is bad for 21st century marriage success. The result is a depressive marriage which is bad for the children and the adults. Studies show that couples who do more things together are happier. The couple’s love for each other is the real cradle that rocks the baby. Children want and need happy parents. So what can you do?

• Put a lock on the bedroom door and teach the kids to knock if they need you
• Schedule a date night
• Have a weekend away together

Remember the quality of your relationship is vital for your children. It’s not selfish to have some couple time. Often grandparents can help here, so don’t be afraid to enlist help from family members.