Jan Haldane - You Can’t Please Everyone, So Go Ahead and Please Yourself!

Are you turning yourself into a human pretzel trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one, yourself included?

Chronic people pleasing also comes from low self-esteem. It’s entirely possible to be a lovely person with healthy boundaries!
I’ve had clients say it’s selfish to love ourselves. What about our children, friends, colleagues, pets? They all need to come first. Perhaps your partner continually tells you this when you want to pursue your own interests, or have some me time. My answer to that is it’s a bit like the safety blurb on the plane, “A mask will appear from above. Put yours on first before helping anyone else.” If we are lacking oxygen, how can we help others? Similarly, if we are lacking self- love, how can we love others and how can we believe they love us?

All humans need to be loved. Every one of us deserves to be loved. However, it’s hard to accept love from someone when you believe yourself to be unlovable. So many relationships are affected by low self-esteem in one or both partners. Perhaps one partner is continually critical and controlling, constantly putting the other person down. So this is the partner with high self-esteem? Wrong, this is someone who really doesn’t like themselves and is acting from a place of fear. If they make someone else feel bad, they can mask their own inadequacies. I think we all know someone like that.

Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down 20 things you like about yourself. No less than 20! See you’re awesome and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

Now ask yourself these questions. You may want to write the answers in a journal.

1. What am I putting up with in my life?
2. Who is draining my energy?
3. What would it take to change this?

Think of changes in terms of baby steps at first. You can add to this exercise over a few days as new insights come to you. Think of it as a working document.

You may be surprised at what comes up for you. Be gentle with yourself as you process these new insights and experience some aha moments.

If you’d like some help on this journey please contact me at [email protected].