John Cowan - Flaring Emotions

Emotions bounce around all the time in most homes. A sob here, some angry words there... it’s all very normal. But then, occasionally, the emotions go through the roof!  Screaming, wild eyes, intense anger... and sometimes some very scared parents wondering what on earth has got into their child!

Most of you know where the anger is coming from  – it’s genetic, shaking down out of the other parent’s family tree, you’re sure of it. Regardless of where the seeds have come from, they are sprouting up in your own lovely child and, since gene therapy isn’t an option yet, you need some super-parent skills to cope.

First, don’t match decibels. If they yell, and you yell... nobody is listening, except the neighbours.  Don’t match their mood either. If your toddler gets angry and grumpy and then you get angry too... congratulations, you’ve just taken your example from a two-year-old. Be the big person and model calm even if, on the inside, you feel like throwing a bigger tantrum than they are. Your calmness will help them calm down.

One thing to remember at this point is ... the issue is not the issue. The issue is their emotion that needs to be dealt with now – the broken toy or not being able to have a lolly will be addressed later.

Next, accept their feelings... even if you cannot accept the reasons behind them or the things they are wanting to do with their emotion. Echo it back to them. “You sound really upset. Do you want to cool off next to me or stand by me while I work over here?”

Yes, you do talk about the actual problem that started it, but not while the emotions are up – the reasonable bits of their brain are switched off during a high powered howl or tantrum. When they’ve calmed down, that’s when you can coach them on some problem solving.

There’s lots more on this big and difficult topic on our website, theparentingplace.com.