John Cowan - Practical Fairness

Nothing fuels fights between siblings like favouritism, but in our effort to avoid favouritism we might fall into the ‘fairness trap’. Some parents are thrown into a dilemma at birthdays where they have to buy presents for siblings as well as the birthday person. Whenever my daughter invited a particular friend for a party, her parents insisted her brother had to be invited as well. Parents in the ‘fairness trap’ agonize about give any child special treatment or treats because of ‘unfairness’ – and of course the children soon learn how to exploit this to their own advantage, jumping  up and down on their parents’ guilt if a sibling gets something they would like as well.

You may love your children equally, but it is impossible to treat them identically. Practicality demands different treatment.  For example, if you have a new baby or a child with special needs, you cannot divide your time equally, but you can assure that they will have enough of your time. Older siblings require bigger helpings of food and they may need to sit in the car seat with more leg room. They will have later bed times and will have more privileges and liberty just because they are more mature and not because they are preferred.

Fairness is an attitude of the heart, not something to be measured on a balance sheet. Perhaps the most important thing is to help them see that your love for each child is genuine, and it is not primarily expressed though gifts and lollies. You’ve got enough hugs and smiles to go around

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