John Cowan - Step Parents

Divorce is such a common feature in our society that you can even get a ‘Divorcee Barbie’ doll for our little girls ... it comes with half of Ken’s stuff. That’s not true but it is true that many kids live in families that are re-combinations:  blending families, maybe with kids from both previous relationships and from the new partnership as well – I’ve heard that called a ‘His, Hers and Ours’ family.

If you are a step-parent then you don’t need me to tell you that it can be very hard work. One thing that surprises step parents is that their old techniques don’t seem to work anymore. They may have successfully raised kids in another family and, now they have new kids in a new family, they think they can just do the same things that worked so well before. And often it is a screaming failure. A disaster. And the thing is, there might not be anything wrong with their rules – they might have good techniques and good boundaries, and yet it doesn’t seem to work. You start to feel like the evil step-parent from a fairy-story.  One of the most important ideas in parenting is ‘rules without relationship lead to rebellion’: if the kids don’t like you and trust and respect you, they are less likely to accept your authority.  And in a step family it can take years before the relationship grows to the point where the kids will accept your rules and discipline. I’ve heard it said that whatever the age is of a child when you enter a family, that’s how many years it will take before they fully accept you – a three-year-old will take three years, a seven-year-old will take seven years – I don’t know if that’s true or not but I do know it takes a long time, especially when kids are older when you come into their lives.

So step back and support the ‘bio-parent’ in their discipline while you work on building the relationship. Do it right, and you might get mentioned in their 21st birthday speech... but don’t expect a great deal before then.