John Cowan - Tough conversations

It takes some courage to address issues with teens – topics like alcohol or love and sex. Lot’s of parents would rather avoid those conversations and just trust television and the internet  and their mates will  do the job for them.  

Yes, your kids will get lots of  information from all sorts of sources – some of them will be good like teachers – but I reckon, as parents, the ideas we give them will always have a special place in their head. Don’t wait too long! You can help your teen patch their lives up after a disaster or you can pre-empt at least some problems with good coaching.  The best time to tackle problems is before they are problems, which means raising these topics even when they don’t seem to be an issue.

Here’s a tip: Lectures don’t work. Lectures just slide off the teflon-coating on adolescent brains. A better way to mentor your teenager is through the conversations.  A conversation tells your child you respect their ideas and you acknowledge their growing maturity. In a conversation, even if both of you already have strong opinions, there is an interest in hearing the other person’s point of view. For a while your authority can overrule what they want to do and get compliance… but for how long? Your aim as a coach isn’t just to assert your authority; you want  to influence their heart so that, when they fly solo, they will willingly choose wise, healthy, mature behaviour.

Two techniques make conversations about love and sex (and other sensitive topics) a bit easier. The first is to treat them as an expert on their own culture, that is, you are genuinely interested to know what they think is going on, and you readily admit that you might be ‘out of date’.  The second: rather than pressing them for their opinions, ask them about their friends views and activities.
So you might say something like,

“Am I just old fashioned, or do kids today really think like that?”

“In the movies, everyone seems to smoke dope. Is that really how it is? Do you think there are many kids you know who are stoners?”

When you listen to them, they will listen to you... perhaps. AS I say, it takes courage to have these conversations.

Check out theparentingplace.com for more resources.