John Cowan - Your Children are Not Your Enemy

I guess many in the West are wondering, is Russia still a potential enemy? I don’t know, but I do know that your child is not your enemy. You don’t need the big threats and the big sticks, because you are not in a war. That child that has just sworn at your wife, and has been stealing from the dairy, and who, you’ve just  found out, hasn’t been at school for the last three days – that child is not your enemy. He’s still the same little boy you once cradled in your arms.

You need to do a mental trick – separate out the child from the behaviour. The behaviour is completely unacceptable, but your child is always acceptable. If you can do that, it means that instead of confronting your child and saying, “Kid, you’re a problem!”, it means you can stand next to your child and say, “Son, you’ve got some problems and I’m going to help you sort them out.”

You don’t ignore the bad behaviour – you deal with it , sternly if necessary – but you make it clear that your love for them is not conditional on their good behaviour.  They are “pre-approved”. Even though it is only a mental trick, your children will become aware of what you are doing. You will  still go through storms, but you will be able to  go through them with your relationship intact.